Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy