I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
You Might Also Like
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog