According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
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Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
6. me as a lawyer
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
whenever i wake up before my alarm