Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
my fav colour is also hitler
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress