My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
How actors in movies eat their food
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.