Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*