All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.