GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Spider-cat: No One Home
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring