The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
me irl
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️