To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.