Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
✌🏽
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.