Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.