Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants