i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Lassie, get help!
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you