The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You Might Also Like
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion