Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.