Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.