TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.