A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I’m confused about plants
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
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Me: Same
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.