I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots