After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
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Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.