*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
You Might Also Like
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary