DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
🖤✌🏽
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
nature’s most graceful animal
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]