Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
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*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
The booster protects against what, now?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room