In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy