If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Monday
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.