I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
You Might Also Like
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?