One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔