Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Just why bro?!
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
You look like you would fail a DNA test
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.