Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.