My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: