Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft