People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Who does Amazon think I am?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!