Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
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You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Have kids, they said
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I self medicate, therefore you live.
See..?
.
worst…sale…ever
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.