Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.