I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
he looks great for his age
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)