So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies