Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
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I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
peep davidson
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.