Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.