Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
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next question.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
me and my fake scenarios
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool