Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
#ProTip
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are