It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.