If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.