As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.