I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
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Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Matt Goss
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us