Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.