i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Who says great literature is dead?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.