My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!