These are my roll models.
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Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
😲 WTF? 😆
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*