Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Well, this certainly took a turn
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
wishing you and yours all the best